Today I'm feeling dark purple;

I chose purple because it's still feminine
and I'm feeling over run with boys.
I'm the only girl at our house, and the only girl we know out here.

But I'm not a girly girl and don't feel as cheerful as pink.

I actually feel lower and low, hence the darkness of the purple.

A dark that is almost black, a purple so deep,

but it's beautiful.

She remembers the rain;
    not the warm summer rain they’d been having all week
this rain was cold.
    It came down and stung with cold,
made her clothes stick to her skin.

She remembers the walk;
    there was no car for her drive
because he had it.
    It rained the whole way,
people drove past her and thought something was wrong with her,
    there was.

She remembers the phone call;
    it rang five times before she got it
she almost missed it.
    She didn’t recognize the voice on the other end
but it was for her.

She remembers the words;
    work            accident
          crash                 hurt
       injuries                      pain
                hospital.

She remembers the room;
    cords and tubes,
bandages and bruises
    a machine beeping...
            beeping....

She remembers the kiss;
    long and soft
she had butterflies in her stomach
    just like she always did.

She remembers the tears;
    cold and steady
her vision was blurred
    and she held his hand.

She remembers the love;
    for it’s all she has left
when the beeping stopped
    a part of her died too. 

i'm trying to remember
but it's not the same
it's my turn
but i won't play the game
i don't want to smile
so don't even try
to make one appear
it's just a lie
the tears are locked up
but want to release
the pain i am feeling
to find some peace
but if i let them out
they won't ever end
i'm drowning in misery
again and again
looking straight ahead
my visions gone blurry
i'm lost in a mood
and starting to worry
over and over
i hear all that's said
tormenting and hurting
replayed in my head
i'm trying to remember
but it's not the same
there's no motivation
to play the game

oh the days have past
and still i yearn for the old

the stolen moments in the summer heat;
laying on our backs
resting on the hill
watching the clouds
and being.

but when we moved,
our imprints were worn in the grass,
and our hearts

i'm so bored lol
i'm slowly doing some homework, but it isn't really that interesting and well i'm more interested in doing nothing.
however, the nothing-ness has left me really bored.
i tried to write a poem, but i'm not in a mood where i'm feeling an emotion strong enough to write.. that and the little case of writers block i'm having.
i tried playing tetris.. well i was playing tetris but it just wasn't as much fun as it usually is. i couldn't get into it.
i am listening to music and would love to dance, but i'm sitting in the computer lab alone and it might get the wrong kind of look i'm going for. lol.
i'm just mucking around and slacking off. lol i need something to do.. that i want to do. lol
oye

5:22 a.m.
the next wave of pain has hit me. i'm awake and crying.
i'm so confused and have no idea what's going on.
yesterday is a blur. everything was fine and normal and then suddenly not.
he e-mailed me in the morning. called me babe and said lots of love. we made plans for this weekend. to go bowling on saturday with my friends, and to a bar on firday with his friends. i don't get it.
he doesn't know either.
i'm so embarrassed. i bawled like a baby and he held me. why did he hold me when he doesn't want me?
i should have known it wasn't going to work out. he isn't a relationship person and i'm unlovable, unreasonable. i'm difficult and moody. and a loser. i guess i'm not a relationship person.
god i feel stupid.
would it have been different if i hadn't gone home to change? if we'd just gone to the movies? i keep replaying it over in my head and trying to figure it out. where did i go wrong? i don't know and he doesn't either.
or he does and just wouldn't tell me.
i wonder what people are saying now. you know after a relationship ends everyone tells you what they really thought. what are they saying about me?
i'm still in shock. and numb.
it doesn't make sense to me, and my mind in on overdrive trying to figure it out. i just wish i knew why.
i can come up with a million reasons. but they all are against me and my family gets mad when i do that. but it must have been me, we were going to the movies and everything was the same as normal.
i'm so embarrassed and disgusted with myself.
the wave has ended and i am numb. i just sit here.. wondering.
what did i do to deserve this?

you know what i got for valentines day?
dumped!

where are you going?
why leave me behind?
i'm lost and alone,
trapped in my mind

they say you don't love me,
that it's all a lie
in my weakend condition
i'm starting to cry

i can't ignore the messages
that they send to me
tangled in a giant web
unable to break free

i've got all these ideas bouncing in my head and i can't seem to form them into anything worthwhile. it's just a line or two, and then nothing more.
i wish i could just write as i used to. free-flowing and not caring. but now everything has meaning, everything must mean something. instead of just being.
i miss that.

if there is anything worth waiting for,
it is this.
the fire that burns to keep you warm
the light that shines to keep you seen.
to touch the moon and the sun,
to feel the stars and the clouds floating along with you.
it is the best reward for waiting